Removal Of The Bandages

So the knee unveiling was today. The bandages came off and I was left with this...

I have to say I was expecting far worse. I have had ice on it today so the swelling has gone down a little, there is still a visible difference in size, but I was thinking it would be black and blue. There is some bruising underneath the dressings where the stitches are but it's so neat and tidy. The incisions are tiny and only have one stitch in each. Please do excuse my slightly hairy legs in this photo also, I was told not to use any hair removal methods in the week prior to surgery to reduce the risk of infection.

Movement is getting better today, I can put a little more weight on it, cross my legs, straighten my leg out no problem. I can lift it and do most of the recovery exercises I have been given. I still struggle to bend it but that is probably due to the swelling more than anything. I am trying my best to keep it resting but in all honesty I am sooo bored now. The only thing that keeps me slightly occupied is the X-BOX, but I can only play on that for a short time as the dihydrocodeines make me feel sick all the time and I get the worst motion sickness. 

I'm about to attempt a shower, I don't know how long I will be able to stand as I usually end up holding onto the sink to brush my teeth, that's if I can even climb into the shower. It's so hot and clammy here though and the medical stockings aren't helping matters. 

The worst of it is again my stomach. The muscles were so sore last night and are still extremely tender today. All this pulling myself around and hobbling on crutches isn't helping me heal from my previous surgery.

I think a little bit of rest and this knee should heal pretty quickly. Then my stomach can heal once and for all.

xx

All Done And Dusted

Well that's it, both operations are now done. 

I'm really glad they are over and done with, but the recovery has been and still is extremely difficult. Having two surgeries in less than five weeks was probably not my best of ideas but that's all done now and I can finally concentrate on getting myself better.

I had my knee surgery yesterday and it was so easy in comparison to my gall bladder surgery, in fact I awoke from the operation and was in more pain with my stomach area than my knee. I was in a private hospital (under the NHS) and the atmosphere was so much more relaxed. I was looked after well and even got a lovely sandwich platter and pot of coffee and milk and a choice of sugars later on in the evening. I didn't stay in overnight, although I wouldn't have minded. I had my own ensuite room to recover in and in general everyone was very supportive. My consultant and anaesthetist checked in with me before and after surgery and overall it was as good an experience as surgery could be. I was later gutted to find out I could have opted to have my gall bladder surgery there too. If only someone would have told me.

I'm a little spaced out right now on post anaesthesia and dihydrocodeine so this post may not be the most well planned and might be a bit all over the place. I think I will probably be falling asleep very soon. I have to rest and wear some ever so unsexy full leg stockings for two weeks, I have crutches which I cannot use at all (it's quite comical to watch I imagine), and three more weeks off work. The hardest thing is moving about. Before, I used my legs to support my weakened upper body and stomach muscles. Now I'm having to use those muscles to help my leg move, but because they are still healing they get sore very quickly.

I seem to be slipping into a medication induced drowsy state so I will leave this here for now. From now on the only direction I want to go is forward. I have a few more issues I need to face first which I wanted to write about here but simply don't have the energy and it will probably be better in a post of its own anyway.

zzz... zzz...ZZZ... lol xx

Worry, Worry, Worry!

One of the things about an illness like M.E. is that you lose sight of the person you once were. I have only vague memories of my life before I got ill, and when I catch myself remembering I find myself mourning the life I had and the person I once was. It can make me very depressed at times and take me to dark places. It's something I tend not to talk about with anyone but I guess writing it out is different.

Before I became ill I was a lot more driven and committed to things. I could make plans with people and stick to them, would be up for trying new things. I found it easier to make friends, was more relaxed and I had an idea of what I wanted out of life. Before I could juggle work, college, friendships, a long distance relationship and still have time for myself. I would go to gigs and festivals frequently and in general life was good.

Now I find it hard just working part time and managing friends and relationships around that. I just about managed college last year but my attendance wasn't great. I feel like I can't make plans with friends as I can't always stick to them and have been labelled a "flaky friend" in the past as I haven't been able to be relied on. Now I feel it's just easier to not make plans to start with. 

A big fear of mine is how I am going to ever be able to support myself financially and physically. If I can't work full time how will I manage. I don't hold out much hope in getting government support and I'm not the kind of girl who will happily rely on a man to provide for me. At the moment I have to rely on help from my parents, and whilst I know they can and will do it and for this I am so grateful, I don't want to be in this situation at 27 years of age.

I want to fulfil my dreams of becoming a make-up artist but how can I ever do this if I cannot commit to jobs? Will I ever be well enough to do this? Do I have the energy to go through uni and then self promote and build a career for myself? Can I cope with the constant looking for jobs and having to compete with other make-up artists who have the added bonus of not having a disability? Will I even get funding to go to university after pulling out due to ill health once before?

Or am I best just giving up on those dreams and doing what I know I can manage and struggling on financially? I already gave up on my dreams years ago of doing graphic design. Most days I believe I made the right choice in giving that up, other days I wish so much I could have overcome illness and completed the course. But I just lost heart after battling so long.

People will say fight. Fight for your dreams, work hard and they will come to you. But for someone with M.E. it's a constant battle to get through an average day. Do I have the energy to fight? Right now I'm not sure and it's getting me so down. It doesn't help that I feel my M.E. is taking a massive step backwards after my operation. I'm pretty terrified of hitting rock bottom again.

Now I'm scared to do anything. Because chances are I will fail because of this damn illness. Saying no is becoming second nature, but is this really how my life has to be? Sometimes I feel like giving up, just saying "Fuck you world" and getting the hell outta here. But then I put my idealist head back on and think about how life could be and get myself all excited. Then my realist head comes creeping back in, usually at night and stops me from sleeping, and brings it all crashing back down. That's the cycle of my life at the moment.

I don't want this blog to be all about negativity. But the last few weeks I've had nothing to do but think and get myself down. The operation has left me feeling the worst I've felt for a long time and I'm scared that if I don't handle my recovery right from here I will sink in terms of my M.E. and my recovery. I'm due back at work in a few days and I really do not feel ready. Both M.E. and post op pain wise. I need the bank holiday money though and also I really don't want people to think I'm taking the piss being off sick. I don't even know if I'm being paid while I'm off so it's quite a worry. Worry, worry, worry. It's all I have been doing lately. I just wish my brain would switch into "I don't give a fuck" mode for a while...

xx